Dancing the Polka

There is a part of me that suspects this story may be a hoax. But, apparently, BMW is seeking to patent a type of screw that would make it even harder – or, at least, more expensive – to do your own maintenance.

According to a recently filed patent application, BMW – which already irks home mechanics by insisting that you use Torx drive sockets, rather than the metric/hex set-up used by most other manufacturers* – has developed a unique fastener screw/bolt that incorporates the brand’s iconic roundel logo.

Two of the logo’s four quarters would be deeply engraved. It would be into these slots that a specialist tool would need to be placed, in the way a screwdriver seats into a screwhead. And this is where the problems begin for home mechanics.

“The practical benefits of the design seem hard to grasp,” observes Visordown’s Toad Hancocks. “An Allen-headed or Torx screw head has, for many years, been the go-to solution for screw heads that require lots of torque to be transmitted through them. They are compact, easy to produce and universally used for car and motorbike manufacturing.”

Indeed, for BMW to create an all-new type of fastener sure seems like an action motivated by corporate greed. If the fastener is patented, it’s a safe bet that the tool to tighten/loosen that fastener will also be patented. And if that happens, it’s an equally safe bet that said tool will either be stupidly expensive, or, more likely, exclusive to BMW dealerships – thereby forcing you to take your bike to a licensed dealer for servicing. 

BMW seems to support this assertion in its patent application – filed earlier this month with the World Intellectual Property Organization.

“The invention is based on the objective of providing a screw which has a specific drive structure which cannot be tightened and/or unscrewed… using common counter-drive structures, e.g. by unauthorized persons,” the patent states.

Having a screw that ‘unauthorized persons’ (eg, you, the owner of the bike) can’t remove is good, BMW claims, because “there are applications of screw connections where only a limited group of people should be able to manipulate, loosen, or create a screw connection.”

“For example, the screw can be used for bolting vehicle components together,” says the patent filing. “In particular for connecting the center console to the load-bearing body structure and/or the cockpit to the load-bearing body structure and/or the seating system (e.g., driver’s seat, front passenger seat, second and third row of seats as individual seats or bench seat).”

That’s an example for cars. BMW doesn’t offer any examples of how the fastener would be used on its bikes, but I’d assume it would be for attaching fairing, and on other particularly visible bits. The cruellest/greediest thing it could do would be to use the fastener as the engine oil drain plug – turning the easiest motorcycle maintenance job into an expensive trip to a dealership.

Putting aside the rampant greed inherent in this idea, I can’t help feeling that it is colossally stupid. That’s why some part of me thinks it’s a hoax. Or, at least, wants it to be a hoax (the existence of a patent application suggests it’s real). I mean, think about the whole thing in application, and the idea becomes dumber and dumber.

Whereas hex and Torx screws/bolts are produced by the thousands and used by everyone – their volume thereby reducing the cost to just pennies for manufacturers – BMW would be incurring the cost of creating a system that, by default, no one else would want to use. Cost that would be passed onto the consumer.

In addition to eradicating the financial benefits of using universal parts, BMW would also be creating costs for itself in terms of overhead, as well as potential supply chain issues. 

Just imagine going to your dealership for a basic service and being told that your bike is going to be out of commission for three weeks because the mechanic accidentally stripped the head of one of these fancy bolts. So, the fairing can’t be reattached, or the engine can’t be refilled with oil, until another shipment of bolts arrives from some factory in Brazil.

It just feels too stupid and self-defeating to be real. Which means that it probably is real, and coming to a BMW bike near you. Corporate greed knows no shame.

My only hope is that BMW would seek to disguise all this greed with an air of exclusivity, that it would offer these bolts as an accessory, rather than standard fittings. It could create some marketing spiel about style and craftsmanship and added ‘peace of mind’ in knowing that only highly trained BMW mechanics will be touching your bike’s blessed air filters and wiring looms.

Meanwhile, I’ll never be buying a BMW ever.

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*NOTE: This fact is changing. I’ve spotted that a number of Chinese manufacturers prefer Torx bolts.